A "Caregiver in Waiting" Reveals Silver Lining in Caring for a Parent
"Adult children caring for their parents describe pride in being able to meet the challenges, they talk about feelings of competence and mastery, a sense of purpose. The role's more enjoyable aspects (closer family relationships, warmth and intimacy) can coexist with its undeniable pressures."
Using excerpts from Paula Span's new book, When the Time Comes, the Washington Post has published a thoughtful report on both the realities of caring for a dependent parent, but also the grossly under-reported blessings of doing so.
Span gives a brief account of her personal concerns as a "caregiver-in-waiting" for her elderly father, anecdotes many of us can relate to. She also tosses in current statistics and quotes leading experts on the subject.
"If you get depressed about the way things are going in the world, just look at the people caring for their family members, the lengths they go to; there's nothing they won't do," says David Ekerdt, who directs the University of Kansas gerontology center. "It can pull you out of any funk about the state of humanity."
Despite the strains of caregiving, there are also rewards, says Span. "The phenomenon called 'caregiver gain' doesn't appear nearly as often in academic journals as caregiver burden, but it exists. And it helps explain why people shoulder this task. Adult children caring for their parents describe pride in being able to meet the challenges, they talk about feelings of competence and mastery, a sense of purpose. The role's more enjoyable aspects (closer family relationships, warmth and intimacy) can coexist with its undeniable pressures."
Span quotes one woman's reflection after the death of her father-in-law: "Time with Papa helped me to slow down and breathe. He helped me to take out my mandolin after dinner and play a few tunes. He helped me take a walk and smell the lilacs. . . The pace of my life since he has passed is going all too fast."
"When I see how they [caregivers] rise to the demands," says Span, "I'm awed."
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