Powerful Testimony of a Resurrected Marriage—10 Years Later, Pastor and Wife Enjoy Relationship Marked by "Mutuality, Respect and Care"
"The result is forgiveness, reconciliation and new life—none of which is possible without confession, repentance and restitution. Through this experience, Karen was for me the very embodiment of God's grace. In Karen, I experienced the forgiving love of God in the most real way imaginable. More than anything else I have ever experienced, this has been a profound journey of faith. Never have I felt God's love more deeply, or found more joy in life, than in our relationship—which has been resurrected."
(British Columbia, Canada)—Bruce and Karen McAndless-Davis are ministers in the Presbyterian Church. Karen is co-author of When Love Hurts and Bruce is pastor of St. Aidan's Presbyterian Church in New Westminster, B.C. Though this article was first published more than 10 years ago, its significance is the fact that today Karen and Bruce are happily married and continue to minister to both men and women who deal with issues of abuse.
The following are excerpts from their testimony/interview. To read it in full, click on link provided.
Karen: We sat in the Emergency waiting room...As we waited for a doctor to examine me, the reality of my situation began to sink in. I was about to lie to a doctor. I am an honest person, but here I was about to tell a doctor that I had broken my rib while skiing. That was not the truth. Bruce had broken my rib in a hateful fit of rage...How could this have happened? How could a husband who I thought of as loving and kind do such a hurtful thing to me?... The shocking realization that Bruce was abusive took as long as it did because of our assumptions about abusive men and abused women. We break all the stereotypes: we are middle-class, highly educated professionals, and we come from good homes. Further, we are both long-time church members and pastors.
Bruce: The idea that I was one of those men who beat their wives was unthinkable. I believed in equality and respect, not domination and violence. But, clearly, my behavior betrayed my beliefs. My actions were intended to control Karen and I did this any way I could. Putting her down, embarrassing her in front of others and arguing relentlessly were ways I made Karen feel inferior. When I couldn't control her with my tongue, I would do so with a threatening gesture, by driving recklessly to scare her, or by blocking her exit from the room. As is typical with abusive men, my behavior escalated to pushing, slapping and, finally, punching. At the time I didn't see what I was doing as abusive; I just thought I had a problem with my temper. I didn't think about how it was affecting Karen. I didn't think about anybody but myself. It scared me when I realized that I had actually broken Karen's rib. My so-called temper was getting out of hand. I was ashamed at what I had done, but more because it went against what I believed about myself rather than because of its effect on Karen. I was still concerned only about myself. I desperately wanted to keep my behavior a secret, now more than ever.
The counseling that the couple agreed to seek would ultimately help in saving their marriage.
Karen: I still loved Bruce; but his treatment of me was intolerable...One of the impacts of Bruce's abuse was that I thought poorly of myself. I thought that no other man would want to be with me—and that Bruce was my only chance for marriage and family. [But,] Bruce began to change.
Bruce: To change, I first had to admit the full dimensions of my abuse and to see the horrible impact it had on Karen. My behavior had made her feel worthless. I was so good at turning things around that I made her feel she was crazy when she was upset by my abuse. I had convinced her of a great, horrible lie: the abuse would stop if only she were somehow better. The truth was, nothing she did or didn't do could stop the abuse; only I could. My abusive behavior wasn't simply something that happened when I 'lost it'; it was a choice I made every day, in order to control her and keep me and my needs at the centre of our relationship. Admitting my sin—my abusiveness—was very difficult. I had to acknowledge the horror of what I had done to Karen. When I finally admitted to my monstrous behavior, I felt very alone...How could I ever make things right?
We received counseling for another year as I continued to work on living in a respectful and mutual relationship. While I gave up pieces of abusiveness, it was a long time before I took complete responsibility for my behavior. I had to learn how to put Karen's needs and the needs of our relationship before my own. This was harder than I could ever have imagined. It took months of exhausting work (for Karen, our counselors, and me) before I came to realize how utterly self-centered I was. I had grown up believing that every relationship is based on power. Unable to envision a relationship in which I saw Karen as truly equal, I had asserted my superiority over Karen by belittling and controlling her. Through counseling, I was invited to see relationships in a radically new way. It took me a long time to let go of my power—but I have finally learned to think in terms of "us" instead of "me."
Karen: Bruce worked as hard in our second year of counseling as he did in the first. He realized that he had broken the vows he had made at our wedding. He took responsibility, stopped the abuse and learned how to be respectful. The change in Bruce is incredible. He is a completely different person now. It is wonderful to live in a home where I am supported, encouraged and cared for. I feel myself flourishing in my ministry—all the energy that I needed to survive in my relationship is free to be used in positive ways in the world. Today, 10 years since we first sought counseling, Bruce and I have a marriage that is characterized by mutuality, respect and care. We are deeply thankful for this new life.
Bruce: The result is forgiveness, reconciliation and new life—none of which is possible without confession, repentance and restitution. Through this experience, Karen was for me the very embodiment of God's grace. In Karen, I experienced the forgiving love of God in the most real way imaginable. More than anything else I have ever experienced, this has been a profound journey of faith. Never have I felt God's love more deeply, or found more joy in life, than in our relationship—which has been resurrected.
Karen: We have shared our story in the hope of breaking down stereotypes that keep abused women in isolation. We hope our story will encourage battered women to seek the support and safety they deserve. Although our story of abuse is all too common, the resurrection of our marriage is not. Change is possible—but only when abusers are willing to take complete responsibility for their behavior.
